Dear NRA And Militia Folk: You’re Going To Need A Bigger Gun

The recent episode of cannibalism in Miami—where Rudy Eugene, high on bath salts, stripped naked, ran into the streets and ate the face off of a homeless man—has received a lot of attention, but it’s not an isolated case. In fact, in recent months, there have been several cases where people on bath salts (a synthetic cocaine) have gone all Hannibal on complete strangers, biting toes, chewing on faces and, in one incident, munching some butt. That said, the case in Miami is admittedly the most disturbing, largely because Eugene ate a homeless person.

Issues of class warfare aside, if the victim (Ronald Poppo) was like every other homeless person I’ve run into, he hadn’t bathed in months. Now I understand that tastes are subjective, but, for Christ’s sakes, couldn’t Eugene have at least had the decency to skin and clean Poppo first?

Seriously folks, cleanliness is next to godliness in my book, and there is no “five second rule” when it comes to homeless people. Once they hit the street, they’re off the menu: end of story.

Etiquette aside, once you get beyond the shocking aspects of the story and understand that the chemists cooking up these bath salts have stumbled upon a particular formula that tends to trigger cannibalistic strip teases, the military applications of the drug become quite obvious.

I imagine the military is already isolating the specific combination of chemicals that cause this urge to feast. The good news is, since most of the work is already done, it shouldn’t cost the military much to perfect the drug—not that “cost” would ever deter our military.

In fact, over the next month or two, Congress will finalize the Department of Defense’s 2013 budget, with both chambers working on drafts that would put America’s defense spending at an estimated $631 billion. And while that’s over five times what any other nation spends on their military, it’s only about twice what Californians will spend on Lap Bars in the coming year, so it’s all about perspective.

Of that money, roughly $543 billion will go to the DOD’s baseline budget, while $88 billion will be set aside for the war in Afghanistan—which, let’s be honest, could be handled much more cheaply if we started blasting the country with bath salts instead of Tomahawk missiles. Regardless of how you look at it, though, over 16 percent of our Federal budget will go toward defense spending (or close to one out of every five tax dollars folks like Mitt Romney won’t be paying because they park their assets in offshore accounts). That’s a lot of money, and it’s a perfect example of the big, excessive government that Republicans have been screaming about since never.

All kidding aside, Republicans never worry about wasteful military spending, and we all know why: they love, love, love their guns. Now, I’m not a card-carrying member of the NRA, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy shooting them (guns, that is). Plus, I’ve never agreed with my liberal friends who passionately declare that “you don’t need an Uzi to hunt.”

For starters, if you’ve ever hunted sasquatch, you know an Uzi is exactly what you need.

More importantly though, the NRA and GOP are correct on one aspect of the debate over gun control: the 2nd Amendment didn’t grant “the right of people to keep and bear Arms” so we could hunt. No, the 2nd Amendment grants people an inalienable right to possess the weaponry they would need to defend themselves against a tyrannical government.

But good luck defending yourself against a military that can turn your ass into a zombie. Seriously, just imagine what will happen the next time you and your fellow Bo Gritz wannabes hole up in some cabin in the woods with a stockpile of weapons, refusing to surrender to the ATF officials surrounding your property.

Oh sure, that Mexican stand-off of yours will sound like a good idea until some pretty flyboy crop-dusts your combine with bath salts, turning your ode to Ruby Ridge into George Romero’s wet dream. And what good will all those guns do you when the loyal patriots around you all start looking like a Doritos Locos taco?

At this point, you might be thinking my suggestion that the military would develop or use such a weapon is absurd. If so, that’s because you’re likely unaware of weapons our military has actually already developed.

For example: the vomit gun.

Back in 2007, the U.S. Navy developed a weapon that uses radio waves to alter a person’s equilibrium and auditory abilities, causing motion sickness and, you betcha, vomiting. At the same time, the Department of Homeland Security developed a high-tech flash light that when stared at induces headaches, queasiness and, right again, uncontrollable puking.

And while these weapons probably wouldn’t be particularly effective in stopping a suicide bomber from blowing up a deli, they undoubtedly would make your standard activist think twice before heading down to the next Occupy protest.

Hell, if you thought people scattered when they got tear gas launched at them, just wait to see what happens when they’re being peppered by last night’s Filiberto’s.

And you know if the Navy has a gun that can make you puke, some of that $631 billion is getting used to develop a weapon that will make you shit—giving the military the power to have activists protesting out of both ends. Seriously, it’s just a matter of time before the only thing the 99 percent will be occupying is a Porta Potty.

Of course, vomit rays and dump guns are a messy solution to crowd dispersal. Fortunately, such weapons won’t be needed, as our military has developed a much cleaner tool: the Active Denial System (ADS). Also known as the pain ray, an ADS device emits a wave similar to a microwave. This device was actually deployed in Afghanistan, and when turned on it literally cooks people who happen to be in its path, causing you to feel like you’re on fire. The good news is, once you step out of the path of the beam, you’re all good.

According to the military, the weapon is not meant to kill or actually burn anything, but rather to inflict momentary pain. Certainly, this could be useful against enemy combatants or, as stated above, it would kick ass at clearing out a park full of camping protestors.

This said, it’s not like the U.S. military is alone in creating such bizarre weapons. In Japan, researchers have created a gun that, by echoing someone’s voice back at them with a .02 second delay, creates an auditory confusion that causes the speaker to shut up. Literally, if this weapon were shot at you, you would lose the ability to speak. And don’t get me wrong, something like that would have come in real handy with my ex-wife, but is this the kind of tool we want governments to have?

Oh, and for the coup de grace? Russian President Vladmir Putin acknowledged earlier this year that his country had developed a weapon that will temporarily put people in a zombie-like state. Using electromagnetic radiation to attack a person’s central nervous system, the weapon causes people to feel like they are on fire and, for as long as the weapon is active, makes them susceptible to suggestion.

So yes, Russia has a weapon that can legitimately create a zombie army, which is why I am so glad Americans have bath salts. The Cold War may be over, but if we keep our fingers crossed the Zombie Apocalypse might still be on.

Since it’s clear there’s absolutely nothing a fully-automatic assault rifle can do to defend me against the current American military, I’m just going to go ahead and concede that the 2nd Amendment is no longer relevant. The U.S. military has “Arms” that no citizen will ever have access to—tanks, Apache helicopters, fighter jets, nuclear weapons, advanced computer viruses with which to wage cyber wars, etc. And despite our nation’s amazing—and frightening—excess of traditional weaponry as well as crap pulled straight from a comic book, we keep handing the DOD an economy-crushing budget so they can continue developing weapons that will make your standard Smith & Wesson as useless against a tyrannical government as it always has been as a substitute for a penis.

So farewell 2nd Amendment. It’s been a fun, if somewhat shallow relationship. Truth is, we never really believed people had an inalienable right to arm themselves. If we did, the U.S. wouldn’t actively be thwarting Iran and North Korea’s efforts to develop the same weapons we’ve had for decades, nor would we ever have started a war to prevent the spread of the same WMDs we actively develop to this day.

It was all hogwash that played well in another era. But today, it’s increasingly clear that future wars and aggressions won’t be won with guns or bombs, but rather by chemists and geneticists, by hackers and computer programmers. And it’s very likely that in the not-so-distant future, the only real field of battle will be our biology, our DNA.

Sorry NRA, but you can’t Rambo your way out of that—no matter how automatic your weapon happens to be.

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