Dick Cheney: One “Accident” Away from the Presidency

Recent polls show that President Bush’s job-approval ratings continue to hover around 40 percent. And while analysts and commentators have wisely pointed out the problems this poses for the Bush Administration’s domestic agenda, almost everyone has overlooked the most troubling aspect of this statistic. Namely, that 40 percent of Americans are fucking retarded.

Now, I’m not talking your everyday, garden-variety retardation, either. Nooo, we’re dealing with a “stick your tongue in a light socket to see if it will happen again” kind of dumb. You know, the kind of person that forks out $19.95 a month for unlimited access to Internet porn, but gets violently offended when Janet Jackson exposes her breast for free. The kind of person that thinks eating sensibly means sticking to the Value Menu at McDonald’s. I’m talking about the kind of person who thinks Wal-Mart’s “anti-Christian” usage of “Happy Holidays” is cause for a boycott, but their usage of 8-year-old Indonesian girls in illegal sweat shops is cause for some really kick-ass savings on the new winter collection.

Of course, this is not to say the rest of America is all that bright. After all, we spend nearly as much money fighting the war on drugs as we do on, well, taking drugs. So, yeah, we’re not exactly a nation of Einsteins. Case in point: Consider America’s response to Vice President Dick Cheney’s recent hunting accident. Oh sure, we’ve all had a few laughs over the shooting. And as is proper, we’ve taken the opportunity to question the Vice President’s decision making and his competence. Many have drawn parallels between Cheney’s four-day evasion of the press and his failures to deal openly with the American public on issues such as the War in Iraq, military intelligence, and unauthorized wire-tapping. Hell, a few of us even criticized Cheney’s decision to handpick a member of the press to interview him (Brit Hume of FOX News, aka: the other Right Wing). So bravo America. But with that being said, I find it tough to believe that in a nation of 280 million people I’m the only one seriously freaked out by how hard it is to kill a lawyer.

I mean, that dude took a shotgun blast off the dome, and he is “in stable condition?” Plus, it’s not as if the guy is a young stud in peak health. Harry Whittington is 78 years old. 78. A good sneeze would kill most people that age. Seriously, the last time I accidentally shot a 78-year-old with a shotgun, his head popped like a cat in the microwave, which is all the more impressive when you consider the fact that I shot him in the foot.

On top of that, one of the BBs has lodged itself in Whittington’s heart; this would kill most people, regardless of their age. Yet Whittington lives. So, while I’m no cardiovascular specialist, I think it’s fair to say that had law school not crafted Whittington’s heart into black obsidian, he’d be dead.

And I, for one, would have a new-found respect for the Bush Administration.

Let’s face it, the Bush Administration doesn’t have the best track record with following through on things. Bush wages wars he can’t finish. He launches programs he can’t fund. He speaks words he can’t pronounce. Honestly, this presidency hasn’t come through on a single promise or initiative in the last five years. Still, you’d think if there was one thing this administration could accomplish, accidentally killing someone would be it.

And it’s not as if this administration isn’t good at killing people by mistake. Consider the War in Iraq and the over 35,000 dead Iraqi soldiers and citizens who lacked the good sense to be born in America. In fact, if Bush and Cheney hadn’t mistaken Saddam Hussein for Osama bin Laden, I’d have to seriously question their ability to accidentally kill anyone. Fortunately, they stubbornly ignored the international community, the evidence, and the wishes of the American public and went to war anyway.

I say fortunately because now, more than ever, America needs leaders we can trust to be completely incompetent, leaders we can expect to fail at every turn, leaders we can count on to drop the ball each and every time. In other words, we need to have faith that our leaders, regardless of the endeavor, will fuck it up completely. Because right now, our leaders are George W. Bush and Dick “the Penguin” Cheney, and the last thing we need is for either of them to accomplish any of their malicious, self-serving goals.

Unless, of course, their goal is to accidentally kill lawyers, which brings me back to my point. There are over 10 million lawyers in this country, and they represent an army of indestructible killing machines that make the plot to The Terminator seem downright pleasant. What’s worse is that their numbers are growing and spreading faster than a Paris Hilton-related venereal disease. Lawyers and their hatred for everything America stands for pose a grave and serious threat to our future.

Sadly, the only men we can turn to in this time of need are: President Bush and Vice President Cheney.

Still, Cheney’s hunting accident offers a ray of hope. Think about it: this was the first time Cheney has ever experienced the horror of what artillery can do to the human body. If you remember, Cheney was not drafted to serve in Vietnam—call it an “accident:” an accident, by the way, ironically pervasive amongst members of this war-hungry administration. You see, it is possible that blasting his friend’s face into a pasta strainer has given Cheney a new perspective on the violence of war.

Maybe, just maybe, he has a richer understanding of what goes on in the mind of an American GI at war, a GI who knows, in his heart, that the only people in Iraq defending their country are the Iraqis. Maybe, just maybe, Cheney can now imagine the grief of the naval officer who fires a Tomahawk missile on a weapons depot, only to learn later is was actually an apartment building full of people minding their own business. Maybe—maybe—he can relate to the pain of the soldier who shoots a dark shape running across a field, who watches that dark shape drop in a mist, who runs to that shape to learn he has shot a child or—as is often the case—a fellow soldier. Maybe, just maybe, that dick is beginning to realize that a war is not a script he and his buddies can write up in the late 90s and expect to carry out 10 years later. No, war is the convergence of thousands of unpredictable people who don’t give a shit about some asswipe’s decade-old game of RISK.

And maybe President Bush, too, has learned from this experience. Maybe he’s beginning to understand that his blind allegiance to Cheney’s plan for global expansion through military dominance is destructive.

Perhaps Bush, after five years of one international fiasco after another, is starting to question his second in command. Maybe Bush, understanding that a Republican congress is the only thing keeping him from an impeachment and a barrage of criminal indictments, is ready to make a change. Maybe Cheney’s shooting of a man while hunting domesticated quail—not the gravest of this administration’s embarrassments, but perhaps the most telling—has finally sobered Dubbya up.

Maybe he is now willing to do the right thing, to begin rebuilding America’s faith in his ability to lead. Doing the right thing won’t be easy. It rarely is. Still, in this time of national need, what choice does President Bush have but to do this one thing:

Kill a lawyer. Even the dumbest of Americans could appreciate that.

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