Franken-Nuts And The Future Of Birth Control

The Catholic church is upset with Obama’s birth control mandate, as church leaders believe the move is an unnecessary assault on the church’s long-standing view that the only acceptable form of birth control is an adolescent boy.

That said, something tells me if the church had known about a recent development in birth control technology, they wouldn’t have been so eager to file a lawsuit. Or, at the least, they’d be too busy laughing to worry about insurance mandates. I am of course referring to the study—published in Reproductive Biology and Endocrinology—which found that a dramatic decrease in sperm production could be achieved via a simple process of zapping the testicles with an ultrasound beam.

Yep, as it turns out, zapping your boys with waves of noise may very well be the future of contraception.

While I’m not sure if the tests were conducted in a lab or on the set of the next Jackass movie, what I do know is that by zapping the nuts of rats doctors were able to kill the germ cells that produce sperm. According to the study, for best results the rats had to endure two separate 15 minutes sessions of boombox-crotch therapy. The report doesn’t say, however, if that gave the female rat enough time to come to her senses and call a cab.

Either way, this is great news on two fronts. For starters, none of the rats were hurt in the study—in fact, most of them are reportedly doing fine and are already on their way to Arizona to stump for the Feb. 28th primary. Of greater importance though is the procedure’s potential use on humans. Sadly, that day might still be a few years away, as there apparently are a few differences between a rat and a human male.

Okay, okay, mainly just the tail, to be honest, but according to the study “size does matter.”

As the director of the Turek Clinic in San Francisco, Dr. Paul Turek, points out, the average rat testicles are like “lima beans, compared to the kiwi-sized testicles of humans.” And while I don’t know what kind of doctor he is, he’s likely not the kind of doctor that he needs to make an appointment with if his nuts truly are the size of kiwis.

Still, Dr. Turek rightly points out the trickiness of properly zapping the testicle, because in a human “the laws of physics may differ a bit and if the beam misses a single area of the 700 feet of sperm producing tubules in the human testicle, you may have a sperm count,” Turek said. In the end, measuring the proper dosage—or, in this case, ampage—might take some trial, error and college frat boys juiced up on gin.

Many skeptics have already dismissed the potential of this procedure, noting that men are statistically less likely to take on the responsibility for birth control than are women. If men won’t wear or carry condoms, these skeptics argue, there’s no way they’re going to apply a current of noise to their junk.

But what these skeptics are missing is the fact that men are also, statistically speaking, far more likely than women to electrocute themselves for fun. Seriously, I once worked at a publishing firm where we had one of those glowing electric glass orbs. One day, a coworker noticed that if he placed his hand on the orb and then touched something metal he would receive a little shock. Then he discovered that if he held his hand on the orb and touched something metal with his elbow, that little shock turned into a biting flash of pain. Then he discovered that if he held his hand on the orb and touched something metal with his tongue, he’d piss his pants.

Needless to say, for the next six months every male working at that publishing house—including the owner—took their turn trying to one-up everyone else by shocking themselves in the most painful, creative way they could. It didn’t matter the time of the day or how busy things were, every 20 minutes or so you’d hear a little “zap” from the back room followed by some dumb ass yelping in pain to a chorus of laughter. Now, for the record, none of us ever tried putting our hand on the orb while touching something metal with our balls, but if we hadn’t been in a work environment we probably would have tried that first.

In any case, if we can do that with electricity, just imagine what we’d do with testicle-shaped headphones and Metallica’s “Master of the Puppets.”

So yeah, blasting your balls with sound waves is a form of birth control men can totally get on board with. In fact, I’d encourage guys to help speed up the scientific process by experimenting with this at home. I know I will. Hell, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in the heat of the moment only to discover neither of us had a condom—all the while not knowing I could have simply solved the problem by grinding my iPod.

So guys, get on this. We need to know how strong a sound wave is required to fully neutralize a human sac. Plus, with any new medical procedure, there are likely going to be side effects that we’re going to want to be aware of.* That said, I do want to stress that you should use caution and good judgment in you experiments, however, as zapping the testicle is a new procedure, largely untested on humans outside of Germany.

In other words, you don’t want to go overboard with the stereophonics. Start with a small dosage to test your tolerance, then build up from there. Leave the real nut-bruising volumes for the military, which has likely already discovered that if you generate enough base, you’ve got yourself a handy little device that will make even the most hardened terror suspect beg to be water-boarded.

And while that may violate our Constitution and the tenets of the Geneva convention, I doubt highly that there’s anything in the Papal Encyclicals that prohibits sac-zapping.

*While the rats presented no discernable side effects to the procedure, many of them continue to experience spontaneous erections whenever a microwave is in use.

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