GOP/Wall Street Believe America Meant ‘Yes’ When Saying ‘No’

For those of you occupying Wall Street and whining about how your economy got raped by the upper one percent, the corporate world has prepared its defense, and it’s pretty much the same argument any rapist makes whenever the victim has the nerve to file a complaint.

You see America, you’re to blame. What, with your widescreen TVs, extended lines of credit and adjustable-rate mortgages, not only are you to blame, you were flat out asking for it.

And while comparing our current “capitalist” model of economics to sexual assault might be insensitive, I’ll be damned if it’s not a fitting analogy. After all, the corporate world spent the last 40 years raping our financial system, and now that they stand accused, they want to pin the blame on the victims of their greed. You know, all of those poor, out-of-work people currently protesting in the streets? Well, according to Wall Street, those people wanted to be unemployed and homeless. Seriously, they threw themselves at the bankers.

Of course, Wall Street fat cats won’t say this themselves, which is why God gave us Herman Cain. And if you’re a banker looking for the most bang for your lap-dog buck, you’d be wise to put all the money you looted from the Federal Reserve on Cain, whose head is currently jammed so far up Wall Street’s ass that he and Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein are technically French kissing.

Not that you can blame Cain for kissing up to bankers. After all, as a black man vying for the GOP presidential nomination, if he has any chance of getting Republicans and Tea Baggers to see past the color of his skin, he’s going to have to lay down a platform so fascist he’ll make Dick Cheney look like Gandhi—and even then, he’s going to need the assistance of one hell of a Photoshop wizard.

To that end, Cain recently told “reporters” that those occupying Wall Street need to blame themselves for their economic woes. “It’s not a person’s fault they succeeded, it is a person’s fault if they failed,” Cain said. This is a slick line for Cain, who in one sentence both validates the idea that corporations are people (who aren’t to blame for their success), while faulting flesh-and-blood people for the state of the economy. After all, our economy’s implosion has nothing to do with Wall Street turning an international bonds market into a whole-scale Ponzi scheme that’s collapsed the global economy, or with the corporate world’s outsourcing of millions of jobs into foreign nations.

Nope, according to Cain the stock market crashed because you refused to get a hair cut and real job. In other words: Corporate citizens are too big to fail, and the rest of us can go fuck ourselves.

Not that Cain is alone amongst GOP luminaries in courting Wall Street, as they all seem to literally be tripping over each other in a mad race to unseat President Obama as the corporate world’s hand puppet of choice. From Eric Cantor calling protestors a “mob,” to Mitt Romney’s concerns that Wall Street demonstrators are a “dangerous” example of class warfare, Republicans are making sure no one is confused about which side of the economic divide they happen to support.

For the record, it’s the side with all the money.

But it’s going to be hard for any of the GOP contenders to top Cain’s blunt dismissal of America’s frustration with corporate greed. “If you don’t have a job, and you’re not rich, blame yourself,” Cain said, presumably while drowning a newborn kitten for being utterly adorable. Cain went on to say a bunch of other stupid shit Wall Street wants him to say, but as I’ve never given a crap about his might-makes-right opinion before, I’m not going to start quibbling with it now. Instead, I’ll simply applaud him for his “tough love” approach to our near-extinct middle class.

To be honest, his brand of tough love makes me nostalgic, as it brings to mind the time when I, as a child of seven, was attacked by a small gang of bullies after school. My wrist was sprained, and blood gushed from a large gouge over my eye. When I came home crying and bleeding, my dad called me to him. He calmly placed his hands on my shoulder, looked me square in the eyes and kicked me in the nuts so hard my right testicle shot out my nose.

Good times, I tell you. Well, not for me or my testicle, but I’m sure dad enjoyed the hell out of it. He was admittedly a firm disciplinarian, and whenever he whipped out the belt and yelled, “Bend over and grab your ankles,” he always consoled himself by saying, “If I didn’t love you I wouldn’t care enough to hit so hard,” “I don’t know why you keep making me beat you senseless like this,” and, his personal favorite, “this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you.”

Which, by the way, would make a great Cain in’12 bumper-sticker. I mean, can’t you just see it on the back of your broken-down Ford Escort?

Now, I’m sure on some level my dad believed those sentiments, just as I’m sure on some level Wall Street truly believes the American people are to blame for this economic crisis. That we had it coming. That we were asking for it.

But who cares what self-indulgent sociopaths think? I know I don’t. All I care about is fixing this economy and, more importantly, our democracy: Whether by legislation, prosecution, or occupation.

Until that day comes though, I’ll leave you with one thing I know for certain: if you find yourself voting for any of these Wall Street-stroking douche bags in 2012, you will have proven Herman Cain right.

Because if you vote for them, you are asking for it.

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