In our busy lives, sometimes it’s just too difficult to stay on top of all the YouTube videos, celebrity gossip and political catchphrases that are currently shaping the American mindscape. But never fear, as The Pop Culture Reference Guide is an ever-evolving dictionary that will help you stay on top of all the contemporary minutia and inane factoids you’ll need to feel right at home in any conversation.
And for convenience (mine, not yours), the PCRG is not arranged alphabetically, as I am too lazy for that. This week’s new and somewhat X-rated entries (you’ve been warned) are:
May 21st—Reportedly the date of the Rapture, during which Christians will be teleported up to Heaven, leaving the rest of us to wonder where all the judgmental assholes went. According to the Bible, this event will usher in 1,000 years of peace and prosperity as those of us left behind will finally be allowed to govern our laws and lives with rational fucking thought.
Of course, the date is most significant because it falls exactly one month after April 20th, meaning many of us will be able to safely pass a urine test.
Ron Paul—Known primarily as the Keynote Speaker of a concession speech to be held roughly one year from now, Paul has also recently been dubbed the Godfather of the Tea Party. Unlike Marlon Brando, Paul is no contender. Still, if there is a God, he will heretofore be known as the Don Corleone of tea-bagging.
Kamu-Sutra—A cruel-ass Hindu book depicting the 101 positions you’ll never get her drunk enough to try.
Weapon of Mass Destruction—Loosely translated, this means: religion.
The Bill of Rights—A masterpiece of American fiction about a straight, white guy.
Fox News—A popular children’s television network starring a colorful assortment of puppets and clowns who have wild adventures in the fanciful land of “The Good Old Days.”
Online Education—A very expensive toilet-paper dispensary that has millions of Americans logging into Internet universities every day. Students generally spend thousands of dollars each year to not receive an education from the comfort of their homes. The degrees earned won’t get you a better job, but as you can take classes in your underwear, they will train you for a future of unemployment.
Tweet—A short, overly annoying update, announcement or self promotion, tweets are at the heart of a unique new game of “Internet Chicken,” in which people test the limits of their friendships by bombarding each other with unintelligible mindless drivel. The first one to end the friendship wins.
Donald Trump—Living proof that some women will do anything for money.
Ku Klux Klan, or the KKK—This term refers to the more moderate members of the Republican Party.
Ebonics—This recent, urban adaptation of American English inherits a strict grammatical foundation from the base language, though reinterprets traditional spellings and pronunciations. The language is closely associated with the Hip Hip culture and is spoken, primarily, by young white kids.
Friendly Fire—What innocent people experience when walking too closely behind me.
Ponzi Scheme—The American economy.
Just Do It—What Nike employees tell little Asian children who complain their hands are bleeding too much to make any more shoes.
Atlas Shrugged—The singular text conservative Christians turn to for instruction and moral guidance, Ayn Rand’s novel was also the guiding inspiration for Anton LaVey, author of The Satanic Bible. As LaVey himself famously said: “I give people Ayn Rand with trappings.”
Those trappings, in case you’re wondering, have to do with leather.
No joke here: Just saying.
Chaz Bono—Proof that a fat man is more attractive than a fat woman.
Viagra—This phrase means people who shouldn’t be having sex, are, and you should scrub your brain out with a pumice stone to forget that fact. Seriously, if mother nature wanted Wilford Brimley to have explosive orgasms at 80, it would have equipped his dick with a flint stone.
Social Networking—The act of pretending to work while mindlessly hopping between Facebook, Twitter and Craigslist.
Christian—A member of a worldwide sect of people who follow the teachings of a book they’ve never read.
That’s it for this week: Be sure to tune in next week as we continue to grow our pop-culture lexicon.